I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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