My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
