My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
