my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
