Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
