Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
