so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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