I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
