sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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