Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
