tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
