I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
