Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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