If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
