come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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