paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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