I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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