I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
