Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my being single is dangerous.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
