Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
