we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
