I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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