I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
