And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
