they need to just BURY HIM!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
