My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
