as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
