Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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