I wish they made helmets for livers.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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