They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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