why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
