Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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