The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
