hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
