So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
