i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
