see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
