I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
