Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
