I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
