Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
