i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
