peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
