u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
