I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
