I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
