you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
