Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
