literally had 100 drinks last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
