I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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