I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
