At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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