Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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