it's like her boobs came off with her bra
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
