I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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