my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Bring me that man meat
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
